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Read Emma, Adam, Meiying and Karen's stories and post your comments.
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- Do you recognise any of the signs of abuse in anyone you know?
- Have you been a victim?
- Have you ever intervened to help someone being abused?
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Recent Comments:
Baz, Kenfig hill
Thank you for your comment. Due to the nature of your enquiry, we ask that you send an email to VAWDAteam@wales.gsi.gov.uk so we can respond to your comment in private. This is because we have no other way to contact you as we don't capture email addresses on this forum to protect anonymity. Please be assured that all correspondence will be handled confidentially.
joseph, cwmbran
your adverts are so anoying i no its bad what your trying to say but ive seen that advert 50 times!!!
Simon, Cardiff
The Safer Wales Dyn project is funded by the Welsh Government and works with all men who experience domestic abuse across Wales.
We have contributed to this campaign and promote as widely as possible through our networks.
The Dyn project provides a 3 tier service for men who experience Domestic Abuse:-
- Dyn Wales helpline 0808 801 0321 which provides advice, support and signposting to services across Wales.
- We provide 1:2:1 Advocacy support for men who are experiencing domestic abuse in Cardiff.
- The Dyn Project is keen to raise awareness of the needs of the men it supports, and to help develop services for them across Wales. We work across all Welsh local authorities to provide support, awareness training and literature, and we maintain an on-line information resource (www.dynwales.org).
IF you need advice and support please get in touch.
Anon, Rhondda, Cynon Taf
Even though my horrifically abusive and stalker ex is on remand in prison facing serious charges at crown court, I miss him. I still love him. I'd never get back with him but why don't I have the strength to hate him and hold all the awful things he has done against me? I'm either so depressed and angry at what he's done I can't get out of bed, or miss him so much that I cry myself to sleep. I keep having nightmares and flash backs. When you leave the relationship it doesn't all magically get better. There's a long road to recovery but it hurts less than being abused every day I guess.
Kate, Swansea
I am greatly distressed by this advert and it has a great impact on my family. I was a victim of domestic violence for 13 years and have been apart from my husband for the last 4. The way this advert has been portrayed is distressing, as they seem to place blame on the parents and child for not saying anything. The signs are not always clear and I hid my abusive marriage from my friends family and others until I was stabbed. My children unfortunaltely were also being mentally abused by their father whilst i was in work and my son hid what they dad was doing in for 5 years, until social services got involved after he tried to kill me and it was only then that he opened up. My mum and son are both distrught watching this advert as it seems that the blame is put on them for not saying anything. I feel the man is getting away from the blame yet again, as the police don't seem to give a damn and see it as paper work and as for support all those years ago I had to find it out for myself. As for living fear free i will not be able to live this way until i know my husband has died, as everyday i worry that he will turn up. This advert has clerly spoilt our xmas as my son hasn't had a good night sleep since it has been on as he is now blaming himself for not saying anything. I think it is amazing that the government is advertising dometsic violence, but think it really should be careful in the way they are portraying it. Also I feel that there is not enough emphasis on the fact that men also are being abused and feel that there should be a lot more support out there, for them as thay experience exactly the same as women and it is also a lot harder for them to get help and admit what is happening.
Thank you for raising these concerns. The campaign is not intended to suggest that victims/survivors and their children are at fault when abuse is happening within a family household and we regret that this has caused your distress.
Domestic abuse is a serious and complex issue. As you have said, it remains largely hidden behind closed doors, leaving its victims feeling trapped, powerless and isolated - afraid to say anything in case it makes a bad situation worse. The level of abuse is likely to increase over time and could even result in a serious tragedy. The campaign is intended to draw attention to the fact that friends, families and neighbours are often aware or suspect that something is happening but, for one reason or another, are reluctant to get involved.
For many children living in a home where there is violence, Christmas is not a time of celebration, but one of terror, as the family is together for an extended period of time.
In developing the campaign, we have worked very closely with a number of organisations who support people who constantly face these difficult situations. Our intention is to raise awareness and for other family members and friends to recognise the signs and symptoms of abuse and to take action by contacting our national helpline for support and advice.
Our website covers case studies for a number of different victims - male and female - please see the case studies under the Living with Abuse tab.
Anon,
I have been a victim of physical, mental emotional and sexual abuse from my husband for over 17 years. I have had no friends and no family and worked from home with him so no escape either till recently.
I find the videos here a great strength and although i understand where some people are coming from regarding showing the woman as a victim it is also a FACT that 80% if not more women do suffer this or have in the past and they are catering for the majority...don't know this site or its content as they are very few and far between, the justice system relating to domestic abuse is a farce....What has had to me has been nothing more than a horror film and at times torture anyone would think i would be mentally unstable mnyself but this has made me strong in the weird flip words of Jamelia "thank you" for making me stronger...watch this space...the law and the awareness of this will change even if i am the crusader to do it....what has happened to me and my children will help me save someone else and turn my negative into someone else's positive...Please anyone out there ...speak up its NEVER to late...abuse...there's no excuse!
Nicola, Cardiff
No matter what the statistics or the perceived gender / age / sexuality bias that this campaign may or may not present, I can only say 'thank you' to those involved in the effort to tackle this issue. As long as stories like this...
..... are still in the news, I'll support any campaign that tries to raise awareness and get people talking about it!
Charlotte, Cardiff
I was abused as a child physically (not sexually) excuses were always made for the abuser and i still longed for their approval. what i am trying to say is there is a difference between discipline and abuse. I believe childhood experiences are the reason i for the past few years have been in an abusive relationship where once again i have made excuses for the abuser. more needs to be done about domestic abuse, people unaware of what domestic abuse is just think its a way of life. (as i did when i was a child) its not a away of life and its not normal! and for everyone slating this site, its helped me and ive been a victim of domestic abuse almost my whole life! you'd think people would be grateful that this site is trying to do something positive about stamping this out!
Alex, Llanelli
Let's do more to support male victims of domestic abuse & change the dialogue which almost exclusively talks about woman as victims & men as perpetrators to one wich equally highlights the overall problem of domestic abuse which affects both women & men.
Toni, Kelso, Washinton, USA
I was abused and there are so many signs they could have saw to help me, but instead they looked the other way and now I am left to live with the mental disorders it left behind.
Signs-
Bed Wetting
Isolation
Nightmares
Insecurities
Sexual Play
Incident Exposure at a young age
Drawings
School Work
Play Time needs to be assessed
Jealousy
Temper Tantrums around certain people
dark shadows under their eyes
Questions about touching and Sex at a way to early age to have known.
Ect....
To See it and Stop it is the only thing we can do to help it, lets not let other children experience it like ME and YOU
Jon, Cardiff
This site has upset me alot. I have come to this site to seek help for a close male friend of which I beleive is suffering from domestic abuse. Is there no help here for hetrosexual males? I feel disheartened and sickened.
Our website states, on more than one occasion that 'Domestic abuse is not limited to co-habiting heterosexual couples. It can occur in any relationship. It's not just women who are victims either. Men, women and teenage children can be either the target of the abuse or the abuser.' We hope that you can find the support you need for your friend in the Help & Support page on this website where you will find a section dedicated to organisations who provide support to men, both heterosexual and homosexual. Alternatively, please contact the Domestic Abuse helpline, 0800 80 10 800 which offers help to anyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.
Trustee, Erwood
I am a volunteer in a charity that provides services for women and children. These comments show that DV is terrible. Abuse of power should be stopped whatever the gender and whatever the relationship. The hating letters from men are frightening. Do they really stem from bad experiences relating to support for women, or from their own fears at having power challenged?
Dee, Dyfed Powys Police area
Hmmm, so on the front page the site says that in "England & Wales, 29% of women" have experienced domestic abuse. There is good evidence that this is 29% of Lesbian, Bi and Heterosexual women. There is very significant evidence that around 80% (that's EIGHTY PERCENT) of trans women have experienced domestic abuse - and yet the only place on this entire site (according to Google) that even mentions transgender is the name of the LGBT EC. Yet again trans is marginalised. Come on WG, you declared a need to support trans people, so where are they on this website? Where are they in this initiative? DV doesn't just impact straight & gay people; it doesn't impact people with different sexual orientations; it impacts ALL of us, some much more than others.
In 'The Right to be Safe', launched by the WG in 2010, the implementation document specifically refers to transgender people - so where are we here? Did you forget that we also have the right to be safe?
Dave, Swansea
This website and the videos are an absolute disgrace and should be shut down.
You acknowledge that 16% of men experience domestic violence and of course the overwhelming majority of them are heterosexual men abuse by females.
All your videos feature men abusing women and the only man abused in your examples is a homosexual, therefore allowing the feminists to cover up abuse of men by women like they have done for the last 40 years.
Sexist and dishonest.
N, Newport
I have a ** year old daughter who is a lesbian, her girlfriend is constantly attacking her she does anything she can to cause harm to my daughter,................. My daughter always takes pictures of her injurys on her mobile but refuses to report the other girl, her reasons being that the girls family will then come after her. Myself and my family are constantly telling my daughter to leave the girl and to report it to the police and to seek medical help for her injurys but as i said previously she refuses. The girl also trys to stop my daughter from seeing myself and other members of my family . Please can you tell me if there is anything else I can do for my daughter apart from just being there for her. Thankyou for your help
Thank you for getting in touch. This is just a comments board and as we place great importance on people's anonymity we do not have any contact details enabling us to ask the appropriate support service to get in touch with you, however, we would suggest that you call the helpline - 0800 80 10 800 where someone will be able to offer support and advise. If you are unable to use the phone for any reason, get in touch via the Contact Form on the following web page www.allwaleshelpline.org.uk and someone will get back to you.
Cathy, Carmarthen
Let's work together to stop domstic abuse now and forever. Women and men - and in particular their children have had to live in fear for far too long. Together vwe can stop it now!
Claire, Porth
Yes always report abuse verbal or physical its all the same. life is not a rehresal we can never change the past but we can alter the future for the better !
Chloe, Rhymney Valley
Im at my wits end with my partner ive been a victim of dv for years I cannot cope anymore but im in love with him and finding it hard to leave what can I do?
Louise, Tredegar
Its very hard to leave u feel ashamed at the way u are being treated
Cliff, Rhondda
I am responding to the post made by Sian of Cardigan. You like others on this site have shown exceptional bravery in telling others of what you went through. I have read at least one other post that says the same story but I share your story too.
Over the years I had been systematically abused by my daughter. She twisted things that I said in good faith, I found myself repeating what she said to me just to make sure I had things right only for her to change things constantly so I was always wrong. Of course I always made excuses for her like 'she doesn't mean to lie' or 'she doesn't like making mistakes' etc, etc. She would hit me mouth off at me, start an argument and then walk out (with her backpack already packed) stating 'I know where I am going and I know how I getting there' and even 'don't you dare take my lifeline away from me' (Facebook) even though our rule was that the internet went of at midnight so they would be ready for the next day.
It may sound pathetic but I now accept after many counselling sessions that she made me so Ill I nearly died. She managed to cause constant hypertension, several heart scares, depression and attempted suicide. She had even turned my wife and son against me with what she was doing, until they realised what was happening and now what she is really like. Yet outside the home she is all sweetness and light and everyone thinks she is wonderful.
Keep up the good work Sian, and others, there is a life after domestic abuse. I am proof as I am getting mentally stronger each day and one day I will be able to stand up to her. As you will.
Angie, Abergele
I would advise her to think and decide wat to do and tell her that she was worth more than to be abused and would support her.
There is no excuse for a man to hit a woman no matter wat the situation nor is it acceptable for a woman to hit a man.
No she is not responsible as the person who raped her was aware of the fact she was drunk and not in control of her own actions.
Jayne, Neath
As a 17 year old girl, in the middle of a -levels, I fell into a relationship with a classmate that, before I knew it, had turned abusive and violent. At that age you take jealousy as a compliment - someone likes you enough to want you to themselves. I didnt know it was wrong, and it was soon too late to get out of the endless spiral of violence.
I think it is imperative the teenage girls and boys are educated into what is and what is not acceptable. The lad in question had learnt the behaviour at home (I found out many years later). It is now 30 years on and I still hear discussions about the possible problems of teenage girls (and boys) being abused. We should be doing something to help them via education and support. This should be a top priority. And yes, young boys should certainly be allowed into refuges.
Natasha, Cardiff
i just relised by watchin the bed advert with the little girls face lookin so shocked how it does effect them no child should have to see that as her dad was abusive so i left him but honestly i didnt reslise what she seen. thamk u for makin me see the truth.
Laura, Cardiff
I was sexually and physically abused by my ex. I think the new ad campaign for teenagers is brilliant - it should be taught to them when they're young! If I'd seen the signs I would have left him, but I didn't see the signs until after the first time.
Prior to that he'd made comments about who I was friends with and what I wore, but I thought it was just him being jealous - not that he was manipulative and abusive!
Gill, Bridgend
Why don't they just leave?
Because sometimes you just don't have the strength, the will and the courage. And sometimes it takes leaving to get the strength, the will and the courage to stay away.
Louise, Vale of Glamorgan
I had received excellent support and guidance from the Welsh Women's Aid last year and did the 12 week course called The Freedom Programme to understand relationships. It would be especially helpful if this course was in early schooling (for 10 - 16 year olds) as part of the health/ sexual education curriculum.
Martin, Barry
2 points. All the statistics quoted are of reported abuse, and you should state that clearly. The per centage of unreported abuse on males by females is likely to be much higher than that unreported by females.
Secondly, under Myths, surely the biggest myth perpetuated is that DV is a male on female issue and I do not think that your site does enough to dispel that myth.
Sarah, Swansea
Still miss him after 16 yrs but it took a hospital treatment and social services to realize how bad the relationship was on both sides , sometimes it just dont work , but people just got to think what they need and communicate with others is the key i think .
Sian, Cardigan
Having been subjected to violence, threats and verbal abuse by my teenage daughter for a few years I am at my wits end. I've found there is a distinct lack of awareness or willingness to recognise violence perpertrated by young people against their parents as a real domestic abuse issue. There has been no support available to me or my daughter in addressing her anger issues. I even swallowed my pride and asked Social Services for support and help - they have asked me what I do that makes her hit me and implied this must be my fault in some way. Would this same question be asked of a woman being hit by her partner I wonder? She just vents her frustrations on me when events in life make her cross such as fallouts with friends or teachers. There is no way out of this situation as I can't leave (as I hopefully could if it was an adult perpetrating the abuse). This whole situation has sent me into the depths of despair with no obvious way out and no real support or advice available - I feel so isolated. It would be good if there was more support available for parents in a similar situation to mine. The first step is for this form of DV to be recognised as a serious issue and not blamed or it be downplayed when help is sought.
Lynwen, Neath
A clenched fist has so much power, it removes a victims strength instantly and the fear it leaves within can't be put into words, so that anyone who hasn't been subjected to domestic violence would be able to understand... its like all other circumstances in life, you have to walk in someone else's shoes to have any idea what it feels like!!!!
Neil, Cardiff
I appreciate the needs in society for your campaign and I support it. But I still don't think your videos are suitable to appear on family websites (Wales on-line). I really do think you ought to reconsider this part of the campaign.
Peter, London
I'm a man, and I'm in therapy and recovering from a 13-year abusive marriage. The first years were great - we were soulmates and very close - but in 2009 I lost my job and my wife's attitude to me changed overnight.
I found another job within six months, but she'd "lost trust in me", became hostile, cold, complained bitterly and angrily about everything I did, didn't do, or sometimes just made stuff up to criticise me for. She'd shout at me, and when I asked her to keep her voice down (the kids were upstairs listening), she pushed me, told me to get out, when I held her hands to stop her shoving me she moved her face close to mine and said 'Oh, GO ON, Hit Me! Hit Me!". I didn't obviously: I've not hit a living soul since I was eight-years-old and in a playground. Wasn't much into it then quite frankly.
Once, driving home from a concert, my wife criticised me for not playing the piano. Why didn't I know how to play a musical instrument? Well, I don't know I said, I never learned, we weren't a rich family and couldn't afford it. You're always full of excuses, she said. You never do ANYTHING. What followed was a relentless three-hour rant about my lack of application, image as a total failure, general uselessness. By the end of it, I was pleading with her to stop. At 41 the concert piano might be a stretch I said, but apparently the ukelele's quite accessible? She stormed off.
It's difficult to describe to anyone what the mental impact of consistent, furious and ferocious verbal and emotional abuse can be. After 18 months I was regularly considering suicide and making active and detailed plans for how to carry it out.
I'm now recovering, but that leads me to my problem with this website. The fact is you have to scratch just a little deeper to discove the truth about DV that lies behind the crime statistics. Yes, twice as many women as men are killed by their partners. However, four times as many men commit suicide, and research by MIND shows that the leading reason for this is 'family relationships'. If they're being abused, men are much, much more likely to simply take themselves off and end their lives.
This site states up-front that DV targets (not 'victims' please) can be men as well as women, but then every example, every video, every photo and every statistic quoted portrays women as the only victims.
Look at the text used to solicit comments above:
"Not sure what to write? Read these figures from a 2009 Ipsos MORI survey and see if you agree or disagree.
Would you take action if you knew a female friend was being abused by their partner? 9 out of 10 probably would.
Is it sometimes OK for a man to hit a woman who nags? 1 in 5 think that in some circumstances it is.
Should a woman be held responsible or partly responsible for being sexually assaulted or raped if she is drunk? 1 in 3 think she should."
Hmm...not exactly gender neutral this is it?
Zoe, Valleys
iv been through this myself. at the start he was great but then soon as baby come alone something snapped in him. he grew jelous off me & his own child to start with. he didnt want to see his other kids, & he completly changed. he was a monster. * years i was with him but soon as it got so bad i finerlly left. took everything in me to do so though. i left with dog,baby & some stuff on train,few hour jorney,which was nightmare. but we were safe at last. felt so scared & alone. all i wanted was to be a family with the guy i loved. now * years on my boy is blooming, hes doing so well in school. seams happy. it was such a worry with him,as it does effect them more than we sometimes know. it breaks my heart he hasnt got a daddy to do guy things with but better than having a sick,asbusive daddy who godknows what he would have done next if we stayed.
i tryed to help some1 get out myself before all my story,but nothing worked.but now shes free because she done it herself.
no man should hit a woman because she nags. thats just crazy.
dosnt matter what the woman is wearing or if shes drunk or sobar, NO1 deserves to be raped. end off.
men do go through abusive aswell as us woman. iv seen it myself with m8 off mine.
Cliff, Rhondda
You can see from previous comments that DA is an extremely emotive subject.
Some comments have suggested it does not happen to men. It does, I have been a victim myself. I would however say that when it happens, it can seem as if it is only happening to you. Therefore comments such as the one from Yasmin, cries out the pain they have suffered, that they have suffered alone and feel alone.
I also sumpathise with Ray from Caerphilly who was wrongly accused. For too long the message has been that it is a hidden crime, behind closed doors. people believed they had no right to interfere. DA is a crime, whomsoever carries it out. Be it man on woman, man on man, woman on woman or woman on man. It is wrong. Just understand it can happen to anyone at any time and empathise with some of teh pain expressed in these posts.
Sarah, Cardiff
DV can be any where. Personally I've been there (my mothers boyfriend, drunk/ violent but actually what was worse was the fear, the bullying, undermining comments,and controlling behavior) also seen it elsewhere, with Men, Women and Children all have potential to be abusive.
Feeling safe is vital, you deserve it - don't put up with anything less.
Rebecca, Barry
As it states on this site:
The abuser can be a close friend, relative, current or past partner.
Women are more likely to be victims of domestic abuse, although men are victims too. However, men are more likely than women to be violently assaulted by strangers.
the site and helpline is for both women and men it in no way sugesstes that domestic abuse is only against women or young people.
They simply wish to raise awarness and make people accept that it is wrong, and should be more talked about.Lauren, Pontypool
I am glad that this has been brought out into the open now. I knew someone who suffered from domestic abuse but no matter what, she stayed by him until eventually, she gathered up the courage to leave him, taking her children with her.
I would definitely take action. That whole experience has been a real eye opener.
Yasmin, Wales
Domestic abuse only affects women, FACT.
James, Maesteg
Domestic assaults on men are non-existent then?
stuart hare, hartlepool
to see any human being have to live with physical and phycological evens such as what iv seen in your videos is shocking, for women and children and sometimes men to be at the brunt of such behaviour makes you want the death penalty braught back to this country for those guilty of abusive behaviour... i'd be happy to be the henchman of any 1 satnding there telling me that this is the behaviour of a real man.. it is the behaviour of low life filth sorry if i have offended any 1
Robyn, Dudley
If I knew someone in an abusive relationship, I would do anything in my power to get them out, and make them see that it's not their fault.
Its sometimes easier to try and find reasoning and excuses for the violence, and to blame themselves if it's someone they love rather than admitting they are wrong.
It's never ok to hit anyone, other than self defence, in any circumstance its not even an option.
I think 1 in 5 people thinking a nagging woman is a valid reason is disgraceful! If there's a problem with a relationship then people will nag and complain because of A LACK OF COMMUNICATION. Physical abuse will either make situations worse, or give the abuser the idea that it is an easy option to get their own way.
If a woman is sexually assulted/raped while she's drunk, no matter what she's wearing or anything it is NEVER her fault. She may have just been in the wrong place at the wrong time.
She should have taken more care but we all make mistakes, but no one is ever "asking" to be raped. It takes a rapist for rape to occur. Doesn't matter how drunk they are nor what they are wearing, if someone wants to rape, they will try, just depends on the circumstances, which is so sad.
If I was in a relationship and I was abused, I would get them out, no questions asked, and never take them back. I've been mentally abused and bullied half my life, I would never be able to let someone into my life who did that to me
Rebecca, Barry
This campaign is to raise awerness and it does state on this site that DA can affect anyone from all walks of life regardless of their sex and age or race! The help line is for anyone experiencing any form of DA men and women old young rich or poor regardless anyone experiencing DA should seek help!
I have personal experience and taking steps to get help was the best thing I have ever done!
David, Anglesey
Your figures speak volumes - for physical and sexual abuse twice as many women being abused as men - it is really a sorry state of affairs but there is another form of abuse that no one seems to want to accept and is just as devastating, possibly more so - that is psychological abuse - i know it is a difficult one but i would put both physical and sexual abuse in the category of being physical signs of psychological abuse and this abuse is much more common that anyone would like to admit. The most unpleasant form of this abuse is bullying All the time we separate home and social situations as being different we will never address the matter. I notice a comment about trivial events wasting police time and have to admit that my experience is that the police are more than happy to play knight in shining armour to damsel in distress and often women, solicitors and courts 'play' on this matter to maximise their cause I also notice comments saying that the police were a waste of time which I am sure for those stating their case is true. I cannot offer any real solutions to the points that I highlight but I can suggest people like Erin Pizzey are given more attention - I believe she must have a much clearer view having been on the front line of this sort of matter but sadly she seems to be sidelined because her input doesnt follow the party line and to say she is seen as being 'unfashionable' by some quarters is an understatement.
(compare men dressing up in superhero suits to highlight the difficulties they have in seeing their children to Erin Pizzey receiving death threats from feminist groups who didnt like her stance on the reciprocal nature of domestic abuse) I agree that this is difficult matter but where children are involved the complexity of it goes up exponentially - sadly the children are the biggest victims, and all to often I see the parent with custody unwittingly continuing to abuse the children and estranged parent It is a sad model of society and cannot get better until core family values are strengthened and more even and balanced views are taken
Charlotte, Newport
I wish I'd known about this when I left my abusive husband, its about time this issue was properly addressed.
Rachel, Llanelli
I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years from the age of 17 to 23. I still feel there is a stigma attatched to talking about the experience I had. Only my nearest and dearest know what happened to me and how lucky I am to have escaped such a dangerous situation. I always hid what happened to me until i realised i could be killed and luckily got out.
More than anything I wish that people didn't judge victims as helpless and deserving of the abuse they recieve. Victims of DV are very likely to be your colleagues and friends and may need your support and help to break free.
Cindy, Near Cardiff
Abuse doesn't just happen over night its a gradual process, its like being brain washed and comes in many forms. The longer your in that environment the harder it is to leave......BETTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW THAN THE DEVIL YOU DON'T!!!!
It can take years before someone leaves their abusive partner and sadly the reason they stay is due to the notion they have nothing else, their ashamed and a serious lack of confidence play a huge part (these examples only scrape the surface). Sometimes people don't even realise what's happening or how destructive this behaviour is and they may even feel it is their fault and they deserve it!
NO-ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO ABUSE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, NO MATTER WHAT FORM THE ABUSE MAY TAKE!!!!
And
THERE IS LIFE AFTER AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP both FOR THE ABUSED ADULT AND THE CHILDREN
'FEAR' FEEDS THE ABUSE !!!!!!
xxx
Mark, Cardiff
Nearly as many men are victims of female domestic abuse too, you know, so let's stop pretending they don;t exist
Mark, Glasgow
I would like to congratulate the producers of the video for their attempt at raising the profile of domestic abuse, and rape within domestic situations. However the two do not that often go together, and in the old stereotypical fashion of 20 years ago, the video depicts men as bad and women as victims, totally ignoring the fact that women commit female domestic violence and abuse against men and against children.. Can we hope that in these more informed and less P.C. times, that there will be an equivalent budget spent on producing a video to redress the balance and providing support for male victims of domestic abuse, who are often totally ignored..
I wait with baited breath, but don't suppose this inconvenient truth will be exposed with quite the same gusto.
Anon, Wales
I work for a Women's Aid organisation and can assure you we are not an office of man hating ruinous women! I am a feminist however, (a word that I choose to use in a positive way I may add!!) DV unfortunately is a crime that affects women more often than men, however there are organisations that support men too. The Welsh domestic abuse helpline supports both genders. 0808 80 10 800. The message here should be don't be ashamed to seek help, whatever your gender or circumstance.
Ray, Caerphilly County Borough
I was accused of hitting my eldest daughter. This meant that my wife, my eldest son and a few others made my life a misery for many months, including physical threats, and occasional violence, even though I plead my innocence. In their eyes I was guilty as sin.
It was only many months later that I had the courage to ask my daughter why she had accused me, when it was in fact her hitting me and mentally abusing me, she justified by saying 'you would let me do ....' Thankfully my ex wife heard the conversation and then changed her attitude towards me. This didn't make things better. Because my daughter, ex wife, sons and their friends kept telling everyone they could that I was an abuser even though I have genuinely never raised a hand to any of my family, no one believed me, no matter how many times my ex tells people it was a mistake.
My daughter has had to leave home because of the hassle she has caused (this was not the first time she accused someone just to get her own way), I was forced from my home and have now lost my family as I cannot bring myself to be close them any more just in case the accusations start again, my ex wife cannot forgive herself and my eldest son wont talk to me.
Even though I hate anyone who subjects their victims to abuse, please don't forget those who are the hidden abused or those who have been falsely accused. An abuser deserves to be dealt with by the law - full stop. Just make sure the facts are found first. A lie can do as much if not more damage to someone. Please keep up this campaign as it highlights what is such a bad crime against the vulnerable.
Mike, Wales
Anon from Wales
Comments like yours are the very reason why some campaigns like these fail.
The CLEAR fact is that DV can be perpretrated by male/female and dont forget older children are capable of DV too. You cannot put perpretrators/victims into tidy boxes like male/female, the clear fact is that it is based upon the individual whether the individual is capable.
You have said that you have learned the hard way and its a lesson for all women to learn.
Your comments sicken me, because you have clearly allowed your situation into your argument when in truth your situation should be a lesson for ALL, Your comments will lead to more man bashing comments, this might then lead to the stigma and common belief that DV affects only women other demographics will be allowed to fall through the cracks. You are wrong and your statement needs correcting
To genderise this debate into male against female will result in the failure of this campaign and it will descend into same ridiulous debate like "whom are the better drivers" instead of concentrating on what is actually more important, and that is the protection of anyone from DV whether male or female, whether young or old, whether an adult or child.
Rachel, Wales
I work for a DA charity in South Wales and fully support any campaigns aimed at getting the message across to as many people as possible.
DA ruins lives and victims need support to overcome their experiences. Just contacting the Police to report the crime isn't enough, victims need support to overcome the trauma that they have been subjected to.
I agree with the comments below seeking to raise awareness of the number of male victims and any campaigns need to address both. There needs to be money to address issues relating to male and female victims, not taking money from each other, we should be working together to address this huge issue in society by working with young people to 'expect respect' violence is a crime and should be dealt with as such.
We need to spend money on education and prevention - equality and respect needs to be part of the National Curriculum - we need to grow a new generation with value and repect for each other.
Negative comments about groups that support female victims and their children are not helpful.
I agree with comments asking for a new approach in campaigns - the DVD looks outdated and we do need to show the more subtle ways that people are abused and controlled. For many victims that are not physicalley assaulted - they see this and campaign and actually believe that they are not suffering DA - as DA = violence for them, WE KNOW THAT DOMESTIC ABUSE HAS MANY FORMS AND PHYSICAL ABUSE IS ONLY 1.
LETS WORK TOGETHER - TO END THIS, SUPPORT AND CELEBRATE OUR DIFFERENCES.
Cliff, Ferndale
Domestic violence should be stopped. For too long people have hidden behind closed doors and believe that their excuses make it OK. It is not. Whether the victim is male or female they suffer just the same. It makes it so much worse when children are affected, as they often are. Children are the hidden victims in this, who may grow up thinking it is acceptable to be a perpetrator of domestic abuse. They may become another victim or an abuser. Lets break this horrific cycle.
Would you take action if you knew a female friend was being abused by their partner? YES, without a doubt. Is it sometimes OK for a man to hit a woman who nags? NO. Real men don't hit women, for whatever reason. A real man will walk away. Should a woman be held responsible or partly responsible for being sexually assaulted or raped if she is drunk? NO. Rape is rape, with no justification for it.
Emma, Swansea
I also would like people to know get out because it will get worse!
Emma, Swansea
i myself was a victim of domestic violence i would like people to know that there is a way out they keep saying sorry and say theyre gonna change from experience nothing will make them change. i was a victim. for 6 years my ex done things to me you wouldn't do a dead animal he'd tie me up and leave me there with a bag over my head for several hours. you see women on these chat shows eg jeremy kyle when they're asked why do you stay with him and i know exactly what there answer will be " I LOVE HIM" I CAN CHANGE HIM, let me tell you something they don't and you end loosin everything. my ex got me on drugs and drinking i lost my daughter because of him. what i want people to know THERE IS A WAY OUT!!!
Catherine, Cwmbran
speaking from my experience i wouldnt advise anyone to report anything. i was told it would help me and my children like hell did it he told a pack of lies the justice system didnt do anything and social services took my childen because i failed to protect them from him!!!! never mind what i went through or the fact that he was the one doing all of the abuse!!!! it took me 15yrs of hell before i got enough courage to report him and for what ive lost everything i fought so hard to keep and hes walking around free to do what he wants!!!! me and my children are living the life sentence. im the one with extra locks on doors and windows cant go out on my own stay in on my own is affraid he will carry out what he said he would do if i reported him where's the justice in that!!!!
Anon, Wales
IT IS NEVER OK FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN!!!! If you have ever been in this situation, as I have, it is not as easy as just getting up and leaving. Unless uve been there, you will NEVER UNDERSTAND. It is very difficult to explain why we dont leave. I managed to break the cycle and escape, it took a long time to recover, sumtimes I still cringe if sumone shouts or comes towards me, but I refuse to be a victim anymore. We need to change things for the better, this cannot be allowed to continue, the victims need to be looked after and thought of more than the abusers, the abusers must be punished! if you are in this situation, there is hope, you can escape, you will get your life back. It will be hard and it will be a struggle, but please keep trying you can do it. Xxx
Tony, Machynlleth
By the stats on your home page, 16% of men are abused 29% of women yet your site singles out and uses the term "women" in many statements. This seems a bit biased! While men may be prone to physical abuse, women are more often proned to verbal abuse. One may provoke the other. While neither is justifiable, whether one lashes out with a tongue or the other with a fist, its still abuse and more often not it takes two to make an argument. I accept however there are small number of truly physical violent people, both sexes, but there are greater number of verbally abusive people. I suspect a study might show both men and women in a relationhsip could be proned to abuse if provoked. Let's stop assuming its generally men who are responsible and address the likely source: troubled relationships.
Anon, Wales
Very, Very sadly - ALL MEN - are potential rapists. It's a proven fact.
Court rooms in the U.K. and the world in general - overflow with the fact.
I think that all women the world over need to remember this at all times - and basically - DON'T put yourself into a venerable postition in the first place.
Sadly, I learnt the hard way. Let this little write up be a warning to all women.
Joe, Pows
Verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse. Domestic abuse isn't always about violence.
Anon
Whilst I support your effort to eradicate domestic violence, I am trying to do some research. Your looping video is destroying my concentration and causing irritation. If you want support, don't irritate people.
Steve, Pontypridd
Dyn Project and the Mankind Initiative should be incorperated into the National Domestic Violence Helpline (NDVH) which i may add is run in partnership with Welsh Women's Aid and Refuge.
As a tax payer, i have a right to know where the funding i'm contibuting is going to. It's £5.4M Welsh Government is going to fund Domestic Violence in protecting Women and Children with the 6 year program
The Welsh Equalitites Commission needs to do more for battered men.
In Wales, allegedly, 7% of women and 5% of men were victims of domestic abuse in the last 12 months. Where this comes from can't be clarified but this link tells the complete picture.
More than 40% of domestic violence victims are male, a report from Campaign group Parity in Sept 2010 claim assaults by wives and girlfriends are often ignored by police and media
Its report, Domestic Violence: The Male Perspective, states: "Domestic violence is often seen as a female victim/male perpetrator problem, but the evidence demonstrates that this is a false picture."
http://www.parity-uk.org/RSMDVConfPresentation-version3A.pdf
Data from Home Office statistical bulletins and the British Crime Survey show that men made up about 40% of domestic violence victims each year between 2004-05 and 2008-09, the last year for which figures are available. In 2006-07 men made up 43.4% of all those who had suffered partner abuse in the previous year, which rose to 45.5% in 2007-08 but fell to 37.7% in 2008-09.
Similar or slightly larger numbers of men were subjected to severe force in an incident with their partner, according to the same documents. The figure stood at 48.6% in 2006-07, 48.3% the next year and 37.5% in 2008-09, Home Office statistics show.
The 2008-09 bulletin states: "More than one in four women (28%) and around one in six men (16%) had experienced domestic abuse since the age of 16. These figures are equivalent to an estimated 4.5 million female victims of domestic abuse and 2.6 million male victims."
In addition, "6% of women and 4% of men reported having experienced domestic abuse in the past year, equivalent to an estimated one million female victims of domestic abuse and 600,000 male victims".
Campaigners claim that men are often treated as "second-class victims" and that many police forces and councils do not take them seriously. "Male victims are almost invisible to the authorities such as the police, who rarely can be prevailed upon to take the man's side," said John Mays of Parity. "Their plight is largely overlooked by the media, in official reports and in government policy, for example in the provision of refuge places ?7,500 for females in England and Wales but only 60 for men."
Goto this link below for the Guardian's Story http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2010/sep/05/men-victims-domestic-violence
One thing for Mr Seargent. One is promoting one side of Domestic Violence (Link Below) and must be stamped out. The figures are simple, it happens to Males if not more than women, but men fail to report it in fear of being ridiculed.
Stu, London
When is the video about false dv allegations going to be made? It must be there somewhere...many Women's Aid centres use the same techniques all the time...or is that one just a drama reserved for the secret family courts?
Gender biased depictions of abuse do not help victims. They simply keep an army of leeches in jobs.
There would be less domestic violence perpetrated by both genders and therefore less victims if these campaigns stopped lying and allowed the Police to stop wasting time on frivolous cases. More genuine abusers would in prison instead of carrying on. And note I said Police. That is where to go with allegations...not male hating, lying, ruinous, feminist DV agencies who can't wait to brainwash the less intelligent woman and get their nails into the family's kids.
DV agencies exist for the profit of those in and attached to them. Sure, victims need support and quickly, but that should firstly be assessed and referred by the Police.
Jemma, Penarth
i get what you're tryin to do- but I think the videos are badly executed. And same old, same old context - physical abuse is the most obvious type of abuse- why not try to flag up the less obvious types that are less obvious to the victim, the perpetrator and society more widely, are just as damaging and affect tens of thousands of people in wales? Your last campaigns were great - what happened?
Heather, Aberystwyth
I'm concerened how these child actors are encouraged to look frightened/fearfull to get a message across about the massive problem of chilld/domestic/physical/mental/sexual abuse. How do you produce a programme of this type of issue? Do you discuss these issues with survivors of rape, unwanted childbearing, child sexual abuse, peadophiles?? who exactly decides what to do in the advertising videos?
ps i know what I'm talking about as a child/victim/etc/** yr old survivor
M, Llanelli
i agree with joe from derbyshire, women abuse men aswell, a lot of men are to ashamed to come forward and report. its time to support abused men aswell.
Michael, Southampton
Domestic abuse is, of course, a BAD thing but for me the impact and credibility of this site is greatly diminished by the wholly discriminatory manner in which it is portrayed.
The vast majority of men are decent moral beings: to consistently portray all abusers as men and all victims as women is a travesty of the truth and deeply damaging to society.
Where does this website show the GOOD guys, men as protectors? Where does it show men as victims?
LM, Cardiff
As a survivor of domestic violence I support this campaign wholeheartedly. Victims of domestic abuse need to be taken more seriously and need to be supported to take the perpetrators to court to receive justice.
Jane, Cardiff
Another myth that needs to be busted is that abuse only happens to young people. Older people can be abused too. Not much mention of them here or in the videos.
Rebecca, Barry
To anonymous, Cardiff. I really feel for your situation. I lived in the same town as my ex husband for over a year and it was a nightmare! constant harassment and I was too afraid to even go shopping for fear of him following me and as you say open windows or anything. Eventually I had to move as it got too serious and too dangerous... i understand if that's too much up heval for you and your children.
If you can find the strength please contact the helpline! There are womens aid services that can help you without you having to go to refuge, there are outreach programmes that can help you deal with the situation... And maybe when your strong enough they have groups to help you and meet other women its a really good way to meet friends.
my heart goes out to you and your family! I have lived it and am out the other side now it can be done, you are stronger than you realize. Best wishes, xxx
Sarah, Corris
The reason women don't leave is because violence and risk of homicide increases at the point of leaving and up to nine months after, women and children are threatened with their lives, they are too well aware of what will happen if they leave, see 29 child homicides ( Saunders 2004)
So please stop saying why doesnt she leave and blaming the victim , start asking why does this perpetrator abuse , rape and attack his partner and his children or step children
Anon, Cardiff
i honestly cannot bring myself to watch the video, all i would like to say is that i personally feel that my fear of the man that abused me will never fade. it has been a few yrs since his release from prison and although i dont talk to him, he constantly phones my home to speak to our children - you may be thinking why dont you change your number? the answer is, i am afraid that if i did that, that he may appear at my door and i could not bare that. i am afraid to hang the washing on my line in case he is hiding out in my garden, im afraid to walk to the local shops alone in case he appears in the shop and i cant get out. i am always afraid if im in a queue anywhere incase hes behind me. He says he misses and loves me. i keep my doors and windows locked even in the summer. i sometimes enter my home and i can smell him and i freeze and sometimes have panic attacks.i have no partner, no social life, no confidence. my point is, even after you stand up to your abuser, and believe me i used to pray to god every night to help me because i was scared, for me personally he has left me mentally scarred and the journey is still very very hard.
Kelly, Pontypool
Just watched the One Show that was discussing Claires law! Finally we are getting somewhere but the progress is so slow. Every women deserves the right to no if her new partner has a history of violence. The stats speak for themselves
Sandra, Cardiff
A very thought provoking video, I hope it reaches the people it is intended for.
Paula, Barry
Brilliant - strong messaging to get people talking time to really start challenging those outdate attitudes that somehow it is ok to exert power and control over a woman simply because she is a woman, and lets start thinking about the impact on the children too..time to wake up and see what really goes on behind closed doors
Joe, Derbyshire
Shocking video!
I take offence it shows it is all men who are horrible and abuse women when according to official documents a large amount of women now abuse men who are often too proud to complain. (I know of several male friends that have not complained to the Police including some who had hassle from a mum when in the teens).
To be an honest level campaign perhaps an additional video showing men being abused should be shown? There are more out there then realised!
Ambryn, USA
I don't know how to get out. I have six kids. 6, 4, 3 and two 10 month olds and I'm six months pregnant. My husband works at home, my parents kicked me out when I got pregnant so I have no where to go and no chance to go. I can't leave my kids behind. I don't have a job or money. My husband will not let me get a licence to drive. The beatings continue to get worse. I got one this morning because I didn't wake up when my daughter cried so my husband had to take of her for an hour. He says If I leave he'll kill me, my children and my family (whom I haven't talked to in several years). What do I do? He doesn't care that I'm pregnant. If anything, he beats me harder because of it. I'm scared. I get beaten every day, only once if I'm lucky. I have a twisted ankle and a broken noise. Help me please
Thank you for getting in touch. This is just a comments board and as we place great importance on people's anonymity we do not have any contact details enabling us to ask the appropriate support service to get in touch with you. The Live Fear Free initiative deals only with domestic abuse in Wales, UK. However, we would suggest that you call the United States National Domestic Violence Hotline on 1 800 799 SAFE(7233) or TTY 1 800 787 3224 where 24-hour support is available, or get in touch with them via the Contact Form on their website www.thehotline.org.